op-ed
The Scranton
Slasher Is a
HUGE
POSER
Another Soul Falls Victim to
THE SCRANTON SLASHER
Morning Star Gazette Reporter
Morning Star Gazette Reporter
The Scranton Slasher claimed the life of ABS news anchor Cynthia Sneed Saturday night, his 9th victim thus far.
The Slasher's rampage has kept local residents prisoners in their own homes.
"It's terrifying," said Melissa Crawford, school teacher. "I miss the light-hearted days of the Scranton Strangler."
Scranton police and the FBI considered the possibility that the Strangler and Slasher were one in the same, but soon dismissed the idea.
"The Slasher's actually dangerous," said Captain Henry Seitzer. "No one cares about the Strangler any more. We stopped looking for him."
Police are currently at a loss for leads.
"There were no connections between the victims," said Seitzer, "though we did find three of the bodies in the dumpsters behind Carpet Emporium, rolled in scraps of carpets."
Captain Seitzer says the police have not questioned anyone who works at the carpet outlet.
"It's just a coincident that the bodies were found on the days of big sales," said Seitzer.
This Johnny-come-lately killer isn't that scary or impressive.
We all know he's just a copycat.
Scranton never, in all its history, had a serial killer.
But now that we've been living under the Scranton Strangler's reign of terror for a year, a second serial killer's going to pop up out of nowhere and expect us to show him respect?
Alright- so he's not exactly a copycat, be he sure is damn uncreative.
Couldn't this guy come up with a more original hobby?
And what kind of a wuss needs to use a weapon?
A real killer uses his bare hands.
You're obviously not that into this, Slasher.
You should skip town while you still can.
If you leave Scranton now, they'll probably never catch you.
And think about it- you're way scarier if you never get caught.
That way people can fear you for years to come, even if you're working on a tan in Tahiti.
Then Scrantonians can get back to worrying about their true villan- the Scranton Strangler.
