Williams Hall Under Scrutiny
After Odd Series of Events
by Steve Floyd
February 13, 2009
A Kent State sophomore who has been missing since October of 2007 was found Thursday afternoon in Williams Hall.
"Let me go," said Jimmy Kessler. "I'm going to be late to my first class."
Kessler appears to have no recollection of any time passage since his disappearance.
This is not the first incident reported in KSU's Williams Hall.
"Anyone who's been in Williams knows it's a maze," said junior physics major Jen Hasting.
"I had class on the fifth floor for two semesters," said Hasting, "turns out it's only a three-story building. Where was I going?"
Others have had similar experiences.
"There's always something weird going on in here," claims KSU janitor Willie Parker. "Blackouts, hallucinations- shit, I thought I was Carribean bartender for a few years. Then the beach disappeared, so I went back to mopping."
Parker claims he has also reported a mysterious vortex in the basement to his supervisors, but has yet to see results.
"It's all part of that super collider. Gotta be," he said.
Parker is refering to a rumor that a particle collider has been built beneath the KSU campus.
Kent State University President Lester Lefton agreed to an interview to deny any allegations.
This door in the basement of Williams Hall does not appear to lead to the boiler room.
What the particle accelorator beneath the Kent State University grounds may look like.
Is there a super-colliding particle-accelorator beneath KSU.
"No."
No? So there's no truth to the rumor that Integrated Technologies paid KSU millions to host a particle collider?
"Of course not."
The university had been talking about raising tuition to cover state and federal cuts, but now has a budget surplus. How do you explain that?
"Jazzman's is selling a lot more coffee."
What's going on in Williams Hall?
"I have no idea, physics-related ciriculum, hopefully."
What are all those underground tunnels around campus?
"I can't tell you."
There's no chance a black hole will develop in Risman Plaza?
"Um, probably not."
Does the collider produce high-energy protons?
"No, that happens beforehand, in the synchotron."
What?
"Nevermind- this interview is over."
