Cain Offers Lifetime of Pizza
for Sexual Harassees' Silence

Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain offered a lifetime of free pizza for the continued silence of any women he may have sexually harassed.
"Don't do anything rash, like calling the media," said Cain, the former CEO of Godfather's Pizza, at a press conference Tuesday morning. "Just call my office, and we'll hook you up."
Cain had dismissed annonymous accusations of sexual misconduct last week, but stammered when a forth accuser, Sharon Bialek, went public Monday.
"Come on, now," pleaded Cain. "Would you rather have reporters calling you all hours of the night, or this pepperoni and sausage any time you want?"
He then spent two minutes clarifying that he didn't mean anything by "sausage," at least "not this time 'round."
Mark Block, Cain's campaign manager, said the deal did have some stipulations.
"The woman would have to live near a Godfather's Pizza," said Block. "and specialty pizzas aren't included."
Gloria Allred, the women's rights attorney representing Bialek, said the offer was insulting.
"My client, and who knows how many other women, have been degraded by this man," said Allred. "At the very least, they deserve unlimited bread sticks and chicken fingers, too."
The Cain campaign will not acknowledge if any harassees have accepted the offer yet.