Sectarian Conflict
Re-Enactment
Goes Awry
'Debacle' in Iraq
Is 'Absolutely,
Definitely,
Unequibickly
Not a Civil War'
by Shell Davis
White House Correspondent
November 26, 2006
President Bush called a press conference Saturday afternoon to denounce declarations by various American news agencies that Iraq had decended into a "civil war."
"Let's be clear on this," said an ernest President Bush, "this is absolutely,
definitely,
unequibickly not a civil war."
"Do you mean 'unequivocally,'" asked a demoralized Helen Thomas.
"That too," Bush said nodding confidently. "You've got to stop listening to DNN and MSNBC. Guys like Bill O'Reilly and Chip Foxx have it right."
Later that evening, Tony Snow clarified some of the president's statements.
"Obviously the sectarian violence in Iraq is a problem," Snow said. "It's just not a civil war."
Snow gave further context.
"We understand the perception of some that Iraq is a 'debacle' or 'quagmire.'"
"Late night talkshow hosts may even call it a 'clusterfuck,' so long as they're comfortable being bleeped or paying an FCC fine."
Post Chattanooga Reporter
November 27, 2006
Real-life violence pitted brother against brother at the re-enactment of the Third Battle of Chattanooga Sunday afternoon in Missionary Ridge Park.
The conflict started when brothers Marvin Stump, a.k.a. Private Boggsworth of the Confederate Army, and Douglas Stump, a.k.a. Lieutenant Henricksen of the Union Army, got into an argument over what to call the War of Secession.
“Doug tried to say that it was a civil war,” said Marvin, “but that wasn’t it at all.”
The argument escalated into a fistfight when Douglas said something about Marvin’s mother.
“I was talking about Boggsworth’s mother, but he seemed to think I was talking about mom.”
The fight turned into a brawl when dozens, then hundreds, of union and confederate re-enactment soldiers came to the aid of their compatriots.
The conflict resulted dozens of casualties, including broken bones, lacerations and point-blank musket wounds.
Even after the violence ended, re-enactment soldiers could be heard arguing over the term “civil war.”
“This was not a civil war,” Confederate General Braxton Bragg, portrayed by Chattanooga orthodontist Eric Peterson, insisted. “A civil war is what happened in Spain. The Confederacy wasn’t trying to tell the Yanks what to do- we were fighting for our states’ sacred right to remain sovereign and determine our own destinies. In that sense, we’re just like George Washington and the founding fathers.”
Bragg ala Peterson not only raised an interesting point- the definition of what qualifies as a civil war is in the eye of the beholder, but also offers the counter-point with his analogy to Washington and the Revolutionary War.
“From the British perspective,” this reporter asked Gen. Bragg (Peterson), “the American Revolution was a civil war. How can one make these distinctions?”
“George Washington and the revolutionary army-”
“Whom the British considered insurgent terrorists, yes?”
“We’re done here.”
While re-enactments like this one have their problems, many residents still fight for the preservation of local battlegrounds.
“Some of these nuts want all the sites preserved,” said county commissioner Steve Bellows. “They get pissed that there are highways, neighborhoods and malls where grass fields used to be. Sorry, but the world’s moved on since 1865.”
“Why should I preserve a field just so some dungeon & dragon geeks can put on costumes once a year and ‘play war’,” continued Bellows. “You know if they had mile-wide Star Trek sets to play Laser Tag on, no one would give a crap about the Civil- er, the American Sectarian Conflict of Confederate Slave States and Federal Union States.”
