Sometimes
You Have
to Regulate
Real Pimps Assault
Costumed 'Pimps'
Post Manhattan Contributor
November 1, 2009
Post Manhattan Reporter
Three men were assaulted Saturday night on their way to a costume party in Morningside Heights.
"We were dressed as pimps. I looked awesome," explained Eugene Ramsey, 21, an art history major at NYU. "These girls came up to compliment our costumes."
"The ladies were ready to party," said Spencer Morley, 20, hospitality major,
No, it's not because of my ties to the unions.
It's because they understand human nature.
Once you see people for the greedy, short-sighted creatures they are, and always will be, you can only come to one conclusion:
You have to regulate.
Take last night.
I was surveying a business associate's operation when we came across a couple of competitiors trying to pouch our talent.
"We were doing great until those guys showed up."
"They came out of nowhere," said Lance Kurtz, 20, philosophy major. "All of them were black and over 6'4"."
While the three couldn't agree on whether there were three, four or five assailants, eye-witness accounts didn't concur.
"It was just two guys, and they were both under 5'8"," said Wendy Sullivan, 25. "One was black, though- the gay one. He could have been Puerto Rican."
Sullivan said the attackers were upset with the women for talking to the costumed students.
"The one in the Yankees cap started choking the guy in the electric-green overcoat."
Sullivan then said the other attacker started kicking the knees of the other two men.
"He'd give them little kicks an then punch them in the nose when they bent over," said Sullivan. "I tried not to laugh, but it was funny."
The attackers and their female associates fled the scene before police arrived.
Police have no suspects at this time.
"I don't know if I want to go to school here anymore," said Morley.
"Those three need to grow a sack," said Sullivan.
That being said, if you cross Fancy he'll make you eat a brick and watch your parents' house burn to the ground.
So we see these three flamboyantly dressed middle-management wannabes talking to two of our sales team leaders.
We knew these douche-nozzles weren't clients, so we intervened immediately.
Medallion boy tried to give me some lip, so I had to regulate his breathing.
Fancy G started regulating the other two's kneecaps.
They kept talking smack, so we regulated their faces.
We regulated until they were crying in the fetal position on the pavement.
But you see, by being firm, we protected our business without any bailouts, meltdowns or hostile takeovers.
That's why you regulate.
