Chip Foxx Takes the Reigns of the Conservative Movement


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	Alright- I Accept by Chip Foxx



	Lately the Republican Party, and the conservative movement in general, has ground to a hault. We've strayed off into the wilderness, and have tried not to mention our friend W. since that incident in January. Right-wingers are clamoring for a leader, which is why I've come to tell you the good news: I accept.




	I'll be the voice the G.O.P. needs to collect itself. I'll provide the vision we need to rally our base and appeal to mainstream America, even the liberal media. Lord knows no one else has been able to- and not for lack of trying. Several figure have tried to grab the reigns of the Republican Party with laughable results. Here's a few of the people (I used to respect) that can't get the job done. Rush Limbaugh- Rush would sound sane and level-headed, if only we all had his dealer. We can't take our cues from a guy with Joe McCarthy's rhetoric, Lindsey Lohan's drug problem and Artie Lange's life expectancy. Michael Steele- Alright, we tried the black thing for a couple of weeks, but it's just not working out. It's nobody's fault. What am I saying- it's totally Steele's fault. You can't say abortion is a woman's choice or that being born homosexual is the same as being born black and be the RNC chair. Hit the road, Mike. Piyush "Bobby" Jindal- Look, assuming "Bobby" isn't a sleeper agent in a terrorist cell, he still isn't connecting with the American people. Jindal looks middle-eastern, is associated with the corruption of Louisiana politics and has the charisma of a Dark Crystal puppet. Sarah Palin- I commend my fellow neocons for finally casting a hot chick for our purposes, but I've had Korean massage artists with more sincerity and booksmarts. Glenn Beck- If the hormone therapy causes you to burst into tears while on the air, then it's not working. Dick Cheney- You need to go away. No one's buying that your war-mongering, war-profiteering, constitution-gutting, torture and murder were justified			while Obama closing Gitmo will end the world. Get a new schtick. John Boehner- Looks like an over-tanned mannequin. Mitt Romney- An android that never had its personality installed. Carl Rove- The world recognizes your evil for what it is, Carl. You must go back into hiding for 13 more generations. These people's lack of vision, charisma and ideas have lead us astray. Mainstream Americans no longer identify with the Grand Old Party. We're being accused of being out of touch- a party with no ideas, just nay-saying any constructive plans the president or Congressional Democrats have. They say we only stand for deregulation and tax-breaks in a time when deregulation and tax-breaks have gotten us to the brink of a depression. They say we only represent 5% of the population finacially, but use social wedge issues to trick 51% of the population into voting for us each election cycle. They say that now only 30% of the population are falling for it anymore, and we've become relegated to a regional party that's only going to shrink as whites become more of a minority. Bull puckey. I say we're the party of apple pie and bombs bursting in the air from sea to shining sea. And I'm just the man to lead us there. Listen to me in the coming months and years, and I will bring us back to the promised land. Trust me.