AKA I'm Not Too Drunk to Write Up the Greatest Fucking Story in History
I Sold Them ALL!
Holy Shit!
by Charles FigglerPost Cleveland Reporter
June 20, 2016
by Daniel Randolph Post Cleveland Reporter
June 21, 2016
Okay, so that's a cute headline they put up there but that shit ain't me.
You all know me.
I'm the real deal, and that headline wannabe snarky
bullshit that sounds like some punk copy editor trying to sound like me.
The fact is I don't need any help reporting THE GREATEST FUCKING STORY IN HISTORY, thank you very much, Rita.
They all think I'm too drunk to write up THE LEGENDARY, VICTORIOUS GAME 7.
No such thng.
No matter rain or shine,
dark of night, cloud of whiskey, tequilla or gin-
It was you, wasn't it, Rita?
That sounds like you trying to be me.
As if. As if is right. Just walk away.
He's no villain, he's a whiney little bitch.
Anywho-
WEEEEEEE ARE THE CHAMPION!
YES WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS, MY FRIEND.
I knew they were going to win.
I knew the whole time.
And I had to put up with BULLSHIT DOUBTERS the whole time.
Every time I started to enjoy myself, someone had to say they were gonna blow it sooner or later.
Someone had to rain on my para
Speaking of parades, I'm going to stay up and drunk until
the parade on Wednesday.
Doesn't that sound like a great idea?
I mean, they deserve it, for ending the great drought.
So game 7 was tense.
Like, really really tense.
But we won, so fuck it!
And with that- BOOM!
made deadline
Who's up for a drink?
RELATED NEWS
Hallelujah!
Can you believe it!
BELIEVELAND IS RIGHT, MOTHERFUCKERS!
I sold every last one of them!
EVERY. LAST. ONE.
Not only that, but I got $20 a piece for the last few boxes.
That was touch-n-go there for a while.
I've been trying to move these shirts ever since LeBron came back, but that didn't go as smoothly as planned.
I still had over 8,000 left going into the finals, so I took a big gambe and stamped "NBA CHAMPS" on all of the remaining shirts.
Needless to say, I was ALL IN.
Then we went down to 1-3 against Golden State.
I was doomed.
I had maxed-out my last credit card to reprint the shirts.
There was no way I could count my wellbeing on a professional Cleveland sports team.
But then they won.
And then again.
And the shirts started selling again.
And then, finally, they won game 7 and the whole thing.
Not that they could do it efficiently, of course.
Every other game in the series was a blowout, but not the nail-biter that was game 7.
I'll be honest, I watched the fourth quarter with a gun in my mouth.
But they WON!
And I SOLD OUT!
I got my money back and then some!
I'm a whole person again.
It feels good.
I wonder what I should do with all this cash.
I could pay off my cards and loans.
But imagine how much I could make investing in Browns jerseys?
Especially if I got a jump on everyone, printing up player names in the preseason?
Who knows. Maybe I'll sleep on it.
Anyway- GO CAVS!
